Choices

The trials and tribulations I have endured the past few years, lead to a journey of self discovery through travel and exploring.
Now that I have an apartment and my things are out of storage, I find I can't do this.

I feel trapped with my possessions and have been trying to sell things with not much luck,
I am just as confused as before.

Do I start taking things to the thrift shop? Just give things away to people on the street?
How to I unburden my life and free my soul?
How do I become free of the things that bind me, the clutter of material possessions that I do not want that  stiffel my creativity?

Where do I go to meet people and find new friends after all have abandoned me ?

I truly do not know what I did to be shunned by friends. I was sick for years and couldn't keep in touch. Was it because I couldn't do for them anymore. I couldn't host get togethers?
I couldn't call with fun things to do with them or good conversation?  I couldn't ask one to go to lunch and they did not call me either? Where was my community? Do all people abandon their friends when a health crisis hits? The health crisis lead to a financial crisis and no one cared to say hello, are you feeling better?  Is this normal?
I would not have done that to my good friends.  I tried to get in touch over the years and I did not get replies. How would I know if they are ok and need me?

Now I am getting my life back together and I don't have a circle off friends and am alone in the world.
Crazy/
Seems pretty odd considering I used to be very social.

I used to tell myself that it is their loss. If they were not there for me then they really were not friends at all. If they didn't contact me for a shoulder to lean on how could I help them?  I would contact them, reach out and still no reply.
I don't get it. I wish someone would tell me why. Or what I did wrong in the friendships. Friends that I had for 10 and 20 years or more ditched me. I wish I knew why?  How hard is it to call?  Send an e mail?

How do I start a new life and find a job when I wake up in physical pain everyday. I battle the fatigue and pain and it leaves me weak and in tears. The doctors have no answers. It's been over 6 years.

I say to my self that I can. I try to think positive, that once I get a few shifts at a job, part time and get a routine I can do it and be a good employee. I went to apply for jobs and came home exhausted and un able to move in pain. How do I work? What work can I do?

Like the Little Engine that Could, I have been saying for years, "I think I can I think I can"
but it is more like Sisyphus.

Am I fooling myself that I will ever have gainful employment? How does one survive?
I am trying to sell my things to free up my life and have some money for food and gas so that I stay alive and can go places and am not isolated. To save up for a better vehicle so as not to be stranded or in debit or with car repair bills. I am trying to plan the best I know how with no advice or sounding board.

I't not easy. I think I can I think I can.....
But I am getting discouraged. Something good has to happen soon. Something.....

That's my story.




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